Sunday, December 30, 2012

Who needs water?

I've always tended to save quotes and files in my email drafts so I wont lose or forget them. I was going through and cleaning it out when I found this that I wrote back in 2009.

So much running through your head you cant focus on anything else you know both what you want and what you need, but you cant take the steps to get it, its like your in the desert weak from dehydration, you know you want and need water but your not sure how to get it, and even if you found out your are too weak to get there; so you just sit and wait in the midst of the sand storm all around you.

You block it all out, pretending that since you cant see water there is none. but you know there are people who can help, but you are to tired to reach out. Your afraid if you do your open hands will stay empty and you'll look like a fool. so you sit alone and wait, each minute of each day the thirst growing stronger.

You are so afraid of being rejected, you never try to be accepted. instead you wait by yourself and try to find a way to make your own copy of the real thing. When you know deep down it's impossible; you just keep trying. Every time you fail makes you feel thirstier and more lost and helpless then ever. you still don't reach out, you never do. you continue to grow thirstier and more lost and helpless until you finally die. All because you were too afraid of looking like a fool, and being rejected, to ask for help.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Pushing and Pulling

It is difficult when a friendship you expect to last a lifetime manages to fade away. No fight, falling out or even upset emotions, just a silent distancing. I tend to wonder if I did something wrong. It's a battle to know when to pursue that laid aside relationship and when to let it go. Since there was no official end, can we still hope for a revival?

I supposed it is these kind of endings that can hurt the most; somewhere so deep inside you can only recognize it flipping through photographs or as you toss and turn on sleepless nights. Remembering laughs, adventures and growth causing conversations. The what-ifs plaguing your mind with "If only we saw each other more" "If I had called more" " If we had figured out a way to talk more" or, the worst of all, "Do they still think about me?" No matter what we believe it to be the answer to this can be detrimental. It can lead us to a harsh realization its over or to a false sense of hope. However that hope is short lived as we realize they ignore out facebook messages and over thought texts.We can't tell them what we've thought about, cried over, and prayed for. If the opportunity to talk was there how would we use it? What could we say to fix months of not speaking and return to normal?

I'm forced to recognize that in my situation there is nothing that can complete this task. The connections I am missing were built so strong from being pushed outside of our comfort zones and needing a friendly face. Formed over being cut off from everyone we knew and needing someone to talk to. Seeking someone to laugh with, share with, confide in and vent to. I need to face these facts, and that if a continued friendship is not mutually desired, the ones that i formed will remain in that place and are gone from me today.